Office-Office: Management by Instruction

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Ever noticed how slick the emails from your boss read. “Share marketing plan for next 6 months in the next 30 minutes.” No, don’t look through the inbox. This is the first time the vocabulary has ever been used.

“Submit report by 2 a.m.” That may just be a conservative estimate considering the monstrosity you may have to deal with. Rest assured the boss will get his sleep and not read the report until during presentation time.

The King of Slick emails is the one that The Butterfly sent the wide-eyed-wonder and non-conformist: “We (yes, she has multiple personality disorder) had a call today with the Super Boss and he wants to bring out a newsletter. Please brainstorm and share your ideas”.

There are two messages deeply embedded in this crisp email – “Call with Super Boss” and “Brainstorm and share your ideas”.

Let me illustrate the reactions of the two affected parties.

Case 1 – The wide-eyed wonder: Oh! Ok. But why does he want a newsletter? Let me brainstorm.

Case 2 – The non-conformist: You had the call. You storm your brain and give the idea. In any case leave me out of it? By the way I think you should tell Super Boss the ground reality and get it over with -- Newsletter or no we are f*****.

And just for kicks let us see how the Mustachioed Young man would have reacted to this

Case 3 - Interesting. The mail is addressed only to me (the others are only in CC). If I give two ideas, that will translate into two hours on the time sheet spent on this effort. Multiply that by four and I could bill myself for a whole day without doing any real work……..

Eventually all send responses:

Wide-eyed wonder: Maybe we should have some interesting links on the newsletter.

Non-Conformist: Half a page with 10 bullet points listing the possible contents adding “would appreciate a de-brief on the call and request to be included on the next call.”

Mustachioed Young Man: Request if you can send sample newsletter.

Who wins? The Mustachioed Young Man, without doubt. Years of having the same designation and seeing all his colleagues shoot ahead has taught him one thing: Management works by instruction.

When some one sends you an instruction to carry out, return the favor by sending them a bigger, more unachievable instruction. What’s more, generate employee delight by marking at least 4 people on the CC list. If nothing at least your reputation for kindness will spread through the organization. And if you get really lucky you may receive an email addressing you by name (which is a very big thing considering the sea of persons marked on CCs these days) that says: “Please Call now.”

Office-Office: Value Creation

(Picture Source: www.dilbert.com)

The First millennium (Period before 1000 AD) can be safely credited with following the “eye for an eye” philosophy. You kill one, I kill ten and vice versa in most cases. The second millennium is credited with propagating the “two cheeks are better than one” philosophy, thanks to Gandhiji’s fondness for trains.

This millennium’s undisputed contribution is the “Give me work and I will give you grief” attitude practiced diligently by the corporate human.

Sample this –

The non-conformist asks The butterfly for options to pursue a matter. The butterfly promptly responds – “Please brainstorm and give options”. (And you thought one couldn’t brainstorm solo. Hmpf!! Tsk! Tsk!).

Unfortunately, we consider ourselves an evolved breed and cannot stay happy with one idea. Sample these variants -

1. Give me work and I will give grief + Give me an inch and I will take a yard = Give me work and I will take a yard.

The wide eyed wonder requests for help regarding Matters A and B. The Butterfly diverts it to the Hungry Wolf who delegates it back to Wonder, who is now learning how to do the job. Outside Party too has been designated to work on A and B. On D-Day, Outside Party delivers the tasks, Hungry Wolf claims all credit and Wonder is left doing more work.

2. The Etc syndrome also known as “? Go Figure.”

The Non-Conformist emails some material to Super Boss for approval. Super Boss responds: “Please correct some of the words like money etc.” (!?) It doesn’t get vaguer than this. Rest assured one will have work for the rest of the day trudging through text.

3. The career development brainwash

When the non-conformist politely refuses to do backend task A, The Butterfly subjects her to a lecture on how “supporting the initiative” and “looking at the larger picture” will help in career development. Later Task A is delegated to the wide eyed Wonder who eventually believes her prospects have improved post the task completion. Task A was about proof reading some articles written by an ex-employee.

Collectively all this falls under the category of “Value Creation”, yet another corporate jargon. Where is the value, you ask? Let us leave that for the next millennium to discover.