Office:Office – 40-hours-a-week

There can be only five possible reactions to this headline.

1. One raised eyebrow – Really? Which world do you live in Dude? By the time I get my act together half the day is spent.
2.  Two raised eyebrows – Really? There are people who work only 8 hours a day? Why don’t I know any of them?
3. Both eyebrows joined together in a frown – You are gnashing your teeth in anger not knowing what words to utter first. You probably need some water followed by a shot of morphine.
4. Both eye brows in their place - You could be in deep concentration/ meditation to distract yourself from the reality of your 16 hour work day. Or you could have just gone to sleep (having mastered this position a long time ago)
5. One eye brow lowered in a wink – Hehehe. You finally found out how I work eh? Just keep the secret to yourself and I’ll refer you to a similar opening.

Statistically only 20% of people manage to work 40 hours a week (see points above). The rest work way longer – some because they don’t have a choice and others because they don’t have the discipline. So when I read that Amazon had declared it will pilot a 30 hour-work-week, I was gob smacked. I hoped it was a prank. I checked the date and realized it wasn’t April 1. Several deep breaths and google searches later, I decided this was at best a publicity gimmick.

Amazon employees work an average of 80 hours a week. Scaling that to 30 hours is like challenging an elephant to run the 100m in 5 seconds. Who wouldn’t pay to watch that? And the corporate world is now watching Amazon with mixed emotions. I am looking for the tiny asterisk that says ‘conditions apply’ and even tinier font size that explains if this gimmick will be implemented if it succeeds in giving rise to a new corporate culture.  Even though that will be called something cute (and unimportant) like Mini-Week or petite-week.

(I know the Beetle is an iconic car, but who in their right mind buys one unless they have got a fleet of more robust machines in the garage? Either that or you are plain cuckoo, in my humble view). Those who have already made their moolah elsewhere will want to adopt the Mini-week and flaunt it like a badly created overpriced tattoo. This might soon become aspirational and restricted to the upper echelons of Amazon, dangled as a proverbial carrot to fuel career progression.

In conclusion, the 30 hour work week would be like the pretty girl/ handsome man who looks great until she begins to talk.

For a serious take on the 30 –hour-work-week, read this piece.

Office: Office – Salary negotiation

Office: Office – Salary negotiation

After close to five months of a self- imposed sabbatical (it sounds cooler that way, though the truth is I had blogger’s block combined with several moments of introspection..erm.. laziness, actually),  I was finally rankled enough by what I experienced recently while interviewing candidates for a role on my team. Salary negotiation. 

I am aware that typing “salary negotiation” on Google can give you 50 Lakh + results (in 0.26 seconds). But no matter how many articles one reads, one will inevitably end up having a mind numbing moment when they experience any of the below tactics.

1.    I am wallowing in deep shit but a rope to pull me out won’t do. I need a Jacuzzi of a life saver: An ex-colleague I knew for 3 years was desperately (at least, that’s the impression I got when she called me every few days yielding me to accelerate the hiring process) looking to move out of her current role. She fit my team’s requirement and would have received a 20% hike over her current salary, until she called to say, “You know I am 30 and don’t have a house yet. Unless I get at least 60% hike, I wont be able to buy one.  I know you will consider that when you make the offer.” I was left muttering “You don’t know me very well then”.

 

2.    I don’t care about money or designation. I only care about quality work. Of course, it will take a quality ‘me’ to produce quality work: After asking this candidates 6 timesfor her salary expectations upfront (once bitten, twice shy) and receiving the same answer, I did make an offer, only for her to reject on the grounds that it wasn’t ‘quality enough’. I discovered that quality referred to 30 paid leaves a year, free grooming sessions at a parlor, discount arrangements with five start hotels, and work related travel by business class. The pitfalls of hiring someone high maintenance haven’t been clearer.

 

3.    I don’t know how much I want, but this doesn’t seem enough: I paused for 2 minutes when I heard this answer. And then said “Ok. I’ll come back to you,” and never did.

 

4.    What will give me more money?:  For the first time (in my 9 years of working life) I encountered a candidate who was disinterested in the role he was being offered.  Instead he wanted to know what more he could do to get a ‘batter package’. “My friend does BD, Sales, HR and at times Marketing. He makes like XX Lakh. If you can offer me more than the current role and a batter package to go with it, I will close my eyes and accept.” Even if I closed my eyes, I couldn’t make such an offer.

 

5.    Show me the money: The person in consideration went out of the consideration set, when he insisted on me depositing a part of his joining bonus, PRIOR to his taking up the offer. “I get crank calls all the time you know. How do I know this is for a genuine position?” It explained why he got only crank calls.

For those taking inspiration from these tactics. STOP. Right now. You don’t want to get featured on a blog like this.

Office-Office: Need to Know

(Picture Source: http://www.dilbert.com/)

Open the newspaper and the front page has a story with a photo of your boss. For a second you are elated (“the man is dead and so are my worries”) , but then reality dawns and a tinge of sadness fills you (“Had I completed the report, he would have died slightly happy”). Wait a second, what’s this – boss is not dead. He has moved firms!

Gosh! Why didn’t he tell you? (At least you could have had a peaceful night’s sleep and actaully looked forward to tomorrow). Because you did not need to know.

Wide eyed wonder works all the time on a presentation that she thinks is her original effort. But just like the good Samaritan of the movies who gets killed by the villain before intermission, she is rudely emailed a similar PPT and asked to re-work and submit this instead of her work. She has 30 minutes to do this. Worse still, she has no clue that what she is going to work on has been deemed “trash” by another team last quarter.

So why does she have to use this PPT and not her original work? She is not told as she does not “need to know”. Why was this PPT not shared earlier? No need to know. Where will this PPT be used? She will be told on need to know basis.

This is a phrase barely mentioned in any induction program – that all information sharing will happen on “Need to know basis”. Did I hear you muttering some thing about an RTI Act? Forget it, you are too educated for your own good. Corporate India hasn’t heard of it. If they have, then their reason for still withholding information is because they signed a confidentiality agreement (with whom remains a mystery).

So Super Boss doesn’t think you need to know that your service line has been nixed and that when you come to work tomorrow, you might have a new boss, a new seat, a new team, a new designation or all of these. (Additionally, you may also be given the challenging but empowering responsibility of shredding the paper from all the departments’ trash).

However, what is of paramount importance and therefore you “need to know” is that he always sips Earl Grey in between biting into two crispy pale brown Samosas. If you forget, you will promptly be reminded through 3 emails – One from The Butterfly (saying “Oh! What have you done!!!!!”), one from the ageing Super Star (saying “Good job. Hehehe. Ooops! what I meant was good show, but do keep the samosas hot next time…) and one from THE character himself (You aren’t emailed directly of course, but CCed on a mail addressed to the Butterfly saying “It is a pity our managers cannot organize for basic food. I wonder what clients must be remarking”).

How should we tackle this?

Don’t show up to work for a few weeks. All those who need to know will know. Follow this up with a disheveled appearance one day and tell your manager you don’t want to talk about anything. Remain morose throughout the day. Ask the manager for his/ her cell phone and pretend to make a few calls and then wail loudly shouting “You killed him. What more do you want from me?”. Then cut the phone and leave immediately….If this doesn’t do it, then your manager is an android.

As for Super Boss, send him an email saying “Govt. of India bans Earl Grey” followed by a fake news item on how Earl Grey has been named the next illegal substance and all those in possession will face 10 years RI…

The Butterfly will be quelled with “Please tally attached excel sheet. Due to paucity of resources, you will be doing this work for the next 1 month. Do not delegate.”

The Ageing Super star will get ucomfortable with “So when are you moving to firm?”.