Office-Office: Need to Know

(Picture Source: http://www.dilbert.com/)

Open the newspaper and the front page has a story with a photo of your boss. For a second you are elated (“the man is dead and so are my worries”) , but then reality dawns and a tinge of sadness fills you (“Had I completed the report, he would have died slightly happy”). Wait a second, what’s this – boss is not dead. He has moved firms!

Gosh! Why didn’t he tell you? (At least you could have had a peaceful night’s sleep and actaully looked forward to tomorrow). Because you did not need to know.

Wide eyed wonder works all the time on a presentation that she thinks is her original effort. But just like the good Samaritan of the movies who gets killed by the villain before intermission, she is rudely emailed a similar PPT and asked to re-work and submit this instead of her work. She has 30 minutes to do this. Worse still, she has no clue that what she is going to work on has been deemed “trash” by another team last quarter.

So why does she have to use this PPT and not her original work? She is not told as she does not “need to know”. Why was this PPT not shared earlier? No need to know. Where will this PPT be used? She will be told on need to know basis.

This is a phrase barely mentioned in any induction program – that all information sharing will happen on “Need to know basis”. Did I hear you muttering some thing about an RTI Act? Forget it, you are too educated for your own good. Corporate India hasn’t heard of it. If they have, then their reason for still withholding information is because they signed a confidentiality agreement (with whom remains a mystery).

So Super Boss doesn’t think you need to know that your service line has been nixed and that when you come to work tomorrow, you might have a new boss, a new seat, a new team, a new designation or all of these. (Additionally, you may also be given the challenging but empowering responsibility of shredding the paper from all the departments’ trash).

However, what is of paramount importance and therefore you “need to know” is that he always sips Earl Grey in between biting into two crispy pale brown Samosas. If you forget, you will promptly be reminded through 3 emails – One from The Butterfly (saying “Oh! What have you done!!!!!”), one from the ageing Super Star (saying “Good job. Hehehe. Ooops! what I meant was good show, but do keep the samosas hot next time…) and one from THE character himself (You aren’t emailed directly of course, but CCed on a mail addressed to the Butterfly saying “It is a pity our managers cannot organize for basic food. I wonder what clients must be remarking”).

How should we tackle this?

Don’t show up to work for a few weeks. All those who need to know will know. Follow this up with a disheveled appearance one day and tell your manager you don’t want to talk about anything. Remain morose throughout the day. Ask the manager for his/ her cell phone and pretend to make a few calls and then wail loudly shouting “You killed him. What more do you want from me?”. Then cut the phone and leave immediately….If this doesn’t do it, then your manager is an android.

As for Super Boss, send him an email saying “Govt. of India bans Earl Grey” followed by a fake news item on how Earl Grey has been named the next illegal substance and all those in possession will face 10 years RI…

The Butterfly will be quelled with “Please tally attached excel sheet. Due to paucity of resources, you will be doing this work for the next 1 month. Do not delegate.”

The Ageing Super star will get ucomfortable with “So when are you moving to firm?”.