Office-Office: Scapegoat

Well, that is what General V.K. Singh seems to have become, with the Defense Minister and Prime Minister throwing up their hands in the leaked letters case. While it appears that this species is rare in the armed forces, it is quite common to find scapegoats in corporate India. What is more, anyone can become one if careless or unlucky.


Consider this. You have put together a marketing plan post some discussions with the team and your boss. Your boss changes it to his satisfaction (and in keeping with vision, or the lack of it) and immediately passes it on to his boss, without any mention of you or the team in his email. But god is great (or so you think) when the super boss does not see any diamonds or other treasure the plan and promptly trashes your boss for sending sub-standard stuff. (That, super bosses see stellar stuff all the time is a myth. They are after all former scapegoats who have got lucky and risen to power.)

While you are grinning with glee imagining the boss’s expression, you get a bomber – an email from the boss to the super boss marking you in CC that reads: “Dear (Super boss’s name) . (Your name) worked on this plan. Will share the feedback and get (Your name) to re-work accordingly. Sincerely, (Boss’s name)”. Scroll down the mail trail and you will see the super boss using the choicest of expletives describing your boss’ work. There, you have just been made scapegoat.

Sounds familiar? So how do you avoid becoming the next V.K Singh?

For starters, do not aspire to spearhead or contribute to any game changing initiatives for your employer. These only increase your chances and frequency of becoming the scapegoat. You might even be considered for a Scapegoat of the Year award.

If you do end up getting roped in to such initiatives, ensure your contribution is restricted to just listening to the discussion. (Take a leaf from the boss) and making notes. You can volunteer to organize for tea and snacks, as little can go wrong in placing such orders from the canteen (Unless your luck is down and out and the snacks vendor has been changed).

If asked to work on any presentations/ plans, ensure you send the final version including your comments on email. If a repeat of the above example happens, you can do a “Reply All” to the mail by attaching your email discussion on the subject and CCing the rest of the team by asking for their opinion on how to improvise further. That way, you divide your chances of becoming a scapegoat by the number of other people marked on the mail.

If you don’t have the heart (more likely the spine) to do this, find a scapegoat and do to him/her what your boss did to you. Or divert attention to more pressing issues, like someone has done to take the heat off Gen. V.K. Singh by exposing the Army’s attempt of a possible coup.

Office– Office: Leave

If you ever had a boss went red when he/she saw anything more than 2 days leave approval, then you need to read this. 

A recent survey revealed that Singaporeans can't take time off from work due to professional pressures. My better half says this is true for India as well. Look around your office and you will seldom find well rested, genuinely enthusiastic, straight talking, non-bitching colleagues. The reason – No leave.  A colleague in the HR department says the company pays people for all the leave they are eligible to encash and apparently it is a very significant amount.

Not availing leave impacts physical and mental health, does not make business sense, and is not cool. Why then do bosses hate to give or take leave?

It stems from the fact that traditionally, taking leave made you a sissy. Don't you remember that "Weak" kid in school who kept taking leave due to ill health? (Never mind that he joined IIT and then Harvard and now lives in a funky mansion in Silicon Valley with a good looking wife and all rounder -kids).  What did your daddy say about that "hen-pecked" husband who took leave because he had to do the laundry and occasionally cooking too? (Never mind the scourge your daddy has is because he can't even make his own coffee leave alone iron his shirts). And that lady in the office, who keeps "making excuses" saying "I need time off to spend with my child?" What a joke! If she wanted to spend time, then why come to office? She's better off staying home permanently….

Leave is associated with being frivolous and unimpressively so.  Work shirker, lazy, incompetent, irresponsible, timid, are other adjectives associated with leave. No one wants a subordinate, or boss with such a reputation.

Conversely, if you want to build up a reputation in corporate India, you start with a "no leave or leave for good" policy. That way you are on top of the mind recall, even if it is a negative association (after all any publicity is good publicity).  The minute you start rejecting those 3 day leave applications, you become legendary.  When you cut short a 2 day leave, you become revered. When you scoff at that one day leave, your subordinate feels embarrassed. And when you raise your eye brows at that half a day leave, your subordinate ends up working overtime for a while week in penance.

The only instance where a longish leave is tolerated is when someone is either getting married or a parent has died or if you are having a baby (sadly, many men and many companies do not know what paternity is. One even asked me if that was a kind of law suit). That is promptly rewarded with increased work once you return. Little wonder then why most women do not come back post marriage or child birth and many men move jobs around the same time.

How to retain your sanity? But a smart phone and stay connected with the happening crowd. Put the ring tones on high volume during meetings and let the phone scream in glee. Keep a ready set of jokes on your browser and laugh/ cry/ weep aloud in your seat. When others look at you, put your head down in remorse.  Have your lunch in solitude and pretend to speak to yourself. Very soon the boss will conclude that you indeed deserve a leave.

Office-Office: Management by Instruction

(Picture Source: www.dilbert.com )

Ever noticed how slick the emails from your boss read. “Share marketing plan for next 6 months in the next 30 minutes.” No, don’t look through the inbox. This is the first time the vocabulary has ever been used.

“Submit report by 2 a.m.” That may just be a conservative estimate considering the monstrosity you may have to deal with. Rest assured the boss will get his sleep and not read the report until during presentation time.

The King of Slick emails is the one that The Butterfly sent the wide-eyed-wonder and non-conformist: “We (yes, she has multiple personality disorder) had a call today with the Super Boss and he wants to bring out a newsletter. Please brainstorm and share your ideas”.

There are two messages deeply embedded in this crisp email – “Call with Super Boss” and “Brainstorm and share your ideas”.

Let me illustrate the reactions of the two affected parties.

Case 1 – The wide-eyed wonder: Oh! Ok. But why does he want a newsletter? Let me brainstorm.

Case 2 – The non-conformist: You had the call. You storm your brain and give the idea. In any case leave me out of it? By the way I think you should tell Super Boss the ground reality and get it over with -- Newsletter or no we are f*****.

And just for kicks let us see how the Mustachioed Young man would have reacted to this

Case 3 - Interesting. The mail is addressed only to me (the others are only in CC). If I give two ideas, that will translate into two hours on the time sheet spent on this effort. Multiply that by four and I could bill myself for a whole day without doing any real work……..

Eventually all send responses:

Wide-eyed wonder: Maybe we should have some interesting links on the newsletter.

Non-Conformist: Half a page with 10 bullet points listing the possible contents adding “would appreciate a de-brief on the call and request to be included on the next call.”

Mustachioed Young Man: Request if you can send sample newsletter.

Who wins? The Mustachioed Young Man, without doubt. Years of having the same designation and seeing all his colleagues shoot ahead has taught him one thing: Management works by instruction.

When some one sends you an instruction to carry out, return the favor by sending them a bigger, more unachievable instruction. What’s more, generate employee delight by marking at least 4 people on the CC list. If nothing at least your reputation for kindness will spread through the organization. And if you get really lucky you may receive an email addressing you by name (which is a very big thing considering the sea of persons marked on CCs these days) that says: “Please Call now.”

Office-Office: The beginning

Every office has its characters.

The bald golf playing prick of a Super Boss who cannot think beyond his Earl Grey and Samosa. The ageing star performer who is defending his turf amidst efforts to get that perfect George Clooney hair style. The wide eyed handle-bar mustachioed young man whose dream is to become star performer and thereby improve his prospects in the marriage market. A butterfly who seems to have lost her way (besides age and beauty, not to mention the brains she may have never had) trying to figure out what she is doing here. A hag in a white garb trying to maintain some semblance of the 33% reservation for the "privileged" gender at the board room. A shy young enthusiastic starry eyed girl who wonders what she has done to deserve being here. And a non-conformist who aims to transform the system.

What happens when they have to work with each other? They put Ekta Kappor to shame.
Straight talk with Arch will aim to share interesting snippets of office life from some of the most elite corporate corridors one can walk.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or incidents in any of my writings are aimed at pulverizing anyone's sentiments or image. If anything, they are a vent for my thoughts, which due to lack of intellectual company, have to be brought online. I will be truly amused if any real people fit the entire description of each of these characters.

Warning: Some of these posts may not be humourous.However, they are likely to evoke a chuckle, grunt, Bah! or Pthooey!.