Office-Office: Succession Planning

It is one of those scenarios where the "Hurray! Yipee!!  At least someone is leaving this hell hole!" sentiment can soon give way to "Jeez, we have a new pain the ass to deal with." And if it is your boss that is being replaced, even god cannot help you.

A good succession plan in the past involved the ex-boss spoon-feeding the new boss until the new boss was suitably brain dead.  That way the one could continue work without any disruption and maintain standards (whatever they may be). That however, is now crudely achieved (cost cutting should I think?). 

You come in one morning and realize the super-boss is particularly grumpy. Investigations reveal that the your boss has vamoosed - bag, baggage, insider information and all.  You are seen as a free bird.  Jealous looks are exchanged. Whispers and the occasional stifled sob saying "why is she the lucky one?" echo off the sound-proof cubicle walls.

Feeling lucky? Momentarily. No more blood pressure raising emails wanting everything yet to be discovered "right now!". No more brain malfunctions on reading the emails. No scathing feedback either. FREEDOM!, Wait a second, why is your mail box refusing to open?  IT Support tells you it has crashed. A recovery shows 157 emails from Super-boss in the past hour. You sigh and get to work.

Two months later, you have a series of emails from an unknown entity. Just as you are about to report it as spam, you notice the sender's designation.  Your new boss has entered the system and is asking for pretty much everything stored in your laptop. "I have to tell him how to work?! Why is he my boss then?"..The rage builds up. Over several video conferences next week, you spoon-feed the new boss until you can cause significant brain damage. Super-boss, miffed with the ex-boss, refuses to test his share of brain damaging potion on the new boss. Eager to impress, the new boss insists you help him on weekends to "better understand" the system and calls you "dearie".

That night, bleary eyed, you decide to float your resume in the market aiming to do what your ex-boss did.  As for succession planning, that is for your subordinate to worry about.

Office-Office: Tolerance

The next time you see some one behaving like a nincompoop, don’t blame them. Blame the organization they work for.
Tolerance (to B.S.) is a virtue (at least you are made to believe so) that is taught extensively throughout corporate life. So grueling is the training that lessons often trickle into personal life. How else do you explain my SMS to husband dearest saying “Request if you can kindly pay the internet bill”? He promptly called up to clarify if my phone was still with me or had it been hacked/ acquired a brain of its own. I responded with: “Deepest Apologies. Regret the message. Kindly do the needful.”

As with most things corporate, tolerance too has multiple shades. The above example reflects Brain-Dead tolerance, an extreme condition where the person, eager to please (mainly out of desperation), adopts extreme politeness in his/her communications. The consequences of this are deteriorating self worth and a performance review that says “Meets expectations”.

This is preceded by the beginner’s tolerance. An example is the Butterfly asking the Wide Eyed Wonder to “be more soft” in her communication with “senior people”. And you thought much experienced people did not care for niceties? Certainly not if an email has 3 “request,” 7 “kindly” and 5 “please” in it, as the wide eyed wonder learnt. For those who cannot comply or comprehend, here is a useful template:
Dear

Request if you can kindly . Attached here is the document for your kind perusal.
Request you to please look at the document at your kind convenience.
Request if you can kindly share your esteemed thoughts on this. Will be grateful to hear your kind feedback.

Note how it scientifically follows the basic principle of public speaking: Tell, Tell and Tell yet, again. It is selfless too (notice the lack of “I” s and the abundance of “you”s). Use this template for 1 month and be assured of an “Exceeds Expectations” appraisal remark. The primary side effect of beginner’s tolerance is the stares and whispers from colleagues that often sound like “dumb” & “ass-licking” as you pass them by. But look at the positives – at least you are being talked about!

The last distinguishable variety of tolerance is the Mock tolerance. It advisable you have an IQ of over 110 to even read further. Good, now that we understand each other, Mock tolerance is the only defence of the truly enlightened in the corporate world. It follows a pattern that is based on the simple principle of “give the customer what he wants to see”. If the Super Boss likes it soft, go soft. If the ageing superstar likes it spicy, then cut the saccharine in the email and add some lines of gossip instead. As for the manager, send him an intolerant email. He/ She will be enraged and ask you to tone down the message and make it soft. Immediately comply with a diabetes inducing email on how considerate he/ she has been to your faults, ending with a thank you. Expect a raise and a promotion, not to mention “the far exceeds expectations” remark.