Office-Office: Ghostwriting

I was surprised when a close friend asked if I had stopped writing. No fiery articles from you any more, he remarked. Defending myself, I pointed out how my piece had appeared last week only in a leading financial daily. "Where?", he asked. That is when reality struck.

The piece was published and I did receive accolades for it from the boss, however, it did not appear with my byline. It had the Super Boss's name. Welcome to corporate India's legacy of ghostwriting.

We (actually "they") do not believe in speechwriters, only ghostwriters. Ghosts technically don't exist and consequently neither do their opinions. So old farts, who don't know the difference between a comma and a full stop, can lecture ghosts on getting the punctuation right and feel powerful. As to the point of view in the article/presentation, every ghost comes with a rich (and supposedly colorful) past and is expected to delve into that experience and create a point of view. God help if that too doesn't make sense to the old farts!

Mortal speechwriters on the other hand, will ask for a formal designation, authority and scope of work even before stepping into office. The point of view created by them, albeit unoriginal, will be backed by so many studies/ reference material, that the old farts feel positively afraid to even raise a finger. A ghostwriter is immune to criticism and will easily work on version 20.20, while preparing mentally for version 20.40 of the document. A speechwriter will not budge beyond version 2.0.

Ghosts create endearing articles, speechwriters create crafty propaganda. Ghosts create heros, speechwriters create "strong" personalities (read Villains).

Lastly, ghosts can conveniently be banished, if found unsuitable. Speechwriters, on the other hand, might form unions, demand more than basic wages and come at you hammer and tongs for lack of work-life balance. They might even ask for institutionalizing stress relief breaks (smoke time).

If a ghost screams foul and threatens to leave, he is shown the direction to the marketing department and given a fancy designation like "Marketing Manager" or "Communications Advisor", minus any reportees or role change. And yes, when you finish one year with the company, do not expect any cake cutting/ hands clapping or congratulatory notes from the HR. Remember, ghosts do not exist.

Office-Office: Tolerance

The next time you see some one behaving like a nincompoop, don’t blame them. Blame the organization they work for.
Tolerance (to B.S.) is a virtue (at least you are made to believe so) that is taught extensively throughout corporate life. So grueling is the training that lessons often trickle into personal life. How else do you explain my SMS to husband dearest saying “Request if you can kindly pay the internet bill”? He promptly called up to clarify if my phone was still with me or had it been hacked/ acquired a brain of its own. I responded with: “Deepest Apologies. Regret the message. Kindly do the needful.”

As with most things corporate, tolerance too has multiple shades. The above example reflects Brain-Dead tolerance, an extreme condition where the person, eager to please (mainly out of desperation), adopts extreme politeness in his/her communications. The consequences of this are deteriorating self worth and a performance review that says “Meets expectations”.

This is preceded by the beginner’s tolerance. An example is the Butterfly asking the Wide Eyed Wonder to “be more soft” in her communication with “senior people”. And you thought much experienced people did not care for niceties? Certainly not if an email has 3 “request,” 7 “kindly” and 5 “please” in it, as the wide eyed wonder learnt. For those who cannot comply or comprehend, here is a useful template:
Dear

Request if you can kindly . Attached here is the document for your kind perusal.
Request you to please look at the document at your kind convenience.
Request if you can kindly share your esteemed thoughts on this. Will be grateful to hear your kind feedback.

Note how it scientifically follows the basic principle of public speaking: Tell, Tell and Tell yet, again. It is selfless too (notice the lack of “I” s and the abundance of “you”s). Use this template for 1 month and be assured of an “Exceeds Expectations” appraisal remark. The primary side effect of beginner’s tolerance is the stares and whispers from colleagues that often sound like “dumb” & “ass-licking” as you pass them by. But look at the positives – at least you are being talked about!

The last distinguishable variety of tolerance is the Mock tolerance. It advisable you have an IQ of over 110 to even read further. Good, now that we understand each other, Mock tolerance is the only defence of the truly enlightened in the corporate world. It follows a pattern that is based on the simple principle of “give the customer what he wants to see”. If the Super Boss likes it soft, go soft. If the ageing superstar likes it spicy, then cut the saccharine in the email and add some lines of gossip instead. As for the manager, send him an intolerant email. He/ She will be enraged and ask you to tone down the message and make it soft. Immediately comply with a diabetes inducing email on how considerate he/ she has been to your faults, ending with a thank you. Expect a raise and a promotion, not to mention “the far exceeds expectations” remark.